Jokes Page

MEMORANDUM
From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All AlQuieda Fighters
Subject: The Cave

Hi guys.
We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that.
Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I'in team" (i think this bit of the joke is local to Glaswegans) as well as the Garfield that says "Hang In There, Baby." Very humorous. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns -
1st of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the carpet dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily, I've done my bit on the cleaning rota...........have you? I've posted a sign up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).
2nd, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare most of the world population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing just while we're taping. Thanks.
3rd: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
4th: I'm not against team chanting and all that, but, we must distance ourselves from the Westerner's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy Oi Oi Oi" everytime I ride past on the donkey. Thanks
5th: We've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar, and Dave.
Love you lots, Group Hug.
Os.
PS - I'm sick of having Osama's Bed Linen scribbled on my bed sheets. Cut it out Abdul, not funny anymore.

Regards, Dave?

These little classic's are courtesy of KEVIN J HERBERT ... Musical Jokes DRUMMERS One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks. After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven: "Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!" From the Drummers Dictionary: Accelerando, n. drum fill; solo What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted. Two drummers walk into a bar... Which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it. What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer? You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once! Two girls are walking along when they hear... "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!" A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay". What's the best way to confuse a drummer? Put a sheet of music in front of him. A guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?" said the guy. "You're a drummer, aren't you?" replied the shop assistant. "Duh, yeah. How'd you know?" said the guy. "This is a travel agency." What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner? You have to plug one of them in before it sucks. Why are bad drummers better than drum machines? You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired. If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money? The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist. A lady walks into a store and tells the man behind the counter she would like some musican brains. "Alright" he says, "What kind?". "How much do they cost?" she asks. "Well, those there are trumpeters at £5 a pound, those are french horns at £7 a pound, and those are conductors' at a pound." He replies. "What are those way back there?" she asks. "Those are drummers brains. They cost £100 a pound." He replies. "GOODNESS!!", she exclaims, "Why are they so expensive?" "Lady, do you realize how many drummers it takes to get a pound of brains?!?!". "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?" "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer." Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me either. Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to retrain the drummers. How can you make a drummer slow down? Put a sheet of music in front of him How can you make that drummer stop? Put notes on it! Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So they can park in the handicapped spot. Johnny says to his mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow up! Mom: But Johnny, you can't do both. How can you tell when a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up. How can you tell when a drummer's at the door? He doesn't know when to come in. How is a drum solo like a sneeze? You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it. What does the average drummer get on an IQ test? Drool. MUSIC & MUSICIANS IN GENERAL Two men were at a bar and one said, " Hey, I had my IQ checked and it was 175, The other responded " That's a coincidence so is mine, what do you do for a living?" " I'm a physicist." was the reply. Again came "that's a coincidence so am I." This was overheard at a nearby table and these two compared IQ's at 160 and were surprised that they were both brain surgeons. At another nearby table one man despondently said to the other "Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52." The other said, rather enthusiastically, " That's a coincidence. So is mine. What instrument do you play?" Two guys are standing on the side of the road. One's a musician and the other one dosen't have any money either. What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund? The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money. COMPOSERS & MUSIC THEORY What did they find when they dug up Beethoven's grave? He was decomposing. Why did Mozart kill his chickens? Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!" Why was the music theorist drunk? He tried to use a fifth with his tonic. WOODWINDS What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe. What's the definition of a minor second? Two oboes playing in unison. An explorer was travelling through the wilds of deepest, darkest Africa with a few native porters and guides. Far off in the distance, he hears drums pounding. Well, the explorer is naturally concerned, so he consults his guides. They reassure him, "There is nothing to worry about. When the drums stop, it's time to worry." This didn't make him feel much better, but he kept going. Gradually the drums got louder and he asked his guide again. "When the drums stop, it's time to worry" was the response he got again. Eventually the drums got so loud, the explorer would have sworn that they were right next to him. Then all of a sudden, they stopped. With a trembling voice, he asked his guide what would happen now. With an equally trembling voice, the guide answered, "oboe solo". Why is playing an English horn solo like wetting your pants? Both give you a warm feeling, but no one else cares. What are the differences between a bassoon and a trampoline? 1. Bassoons are more fun to jump on. 2. You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline! What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo? When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim. How many flute players does it take to change a lightbulb? Only 1, but she'll break 10 bulbs before she realizes they can't be pushed in. How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before finding just the right one. What's the difference between Kenny G and a machine gun? The machine gun repeats only 10 times per second. How many C melody sax players can you fit into a phone booth? All of them. If lost in the woods, who do you ask for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? The out-of-tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate that you're hallucinating. What's the difference between the creationist theory of the origin of life and a tenor sax? The theory doesn't have as many leaks. How do you make a chainsaw sound like a baritone sax? Add vibrato. What do a saxophone and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat. Why do bagpipe players march when they play? 1. To try to get away from the sound. 2. It's harder to hit a moving target. What would you do if you had all the bagpipe players on earth lined up end-to-end to the moon and back? Leave them there. STRINGS How is a violinist like a SCUD missile? Both are offensive and inaccurate. Why does a violinist have a handkerchief under his chin when he plays? Because there's no spit valve. What does a viola player use for birth control? Her personality. How do you make a violist play vibrato? Write a whole note and put "solo" over it. Johnny comes home from school, and says to his mum, "Mummy, I learned the alphabet today! The rest of the class messed up around F, but I made it all the way through!" Johnny's mum says, "Very good, son. That's because you're a violist." Johnny comes home the next day and screams, "Mummy, Mummy, I counted to a hundred today! Everyone else couldn't get past 60, but I made it all the way to 100!" And his mum says, "Excellent. That's because you're a violist." The next day, Johnny comes home and says, "Mummy, the teacher measured everyone's height in class today, and I was taller than everyone. Is that 'cause I'm a violist?" His mum shakes her head and says, "No, honey; that's because you're twentysix." How do you get a bass player off your doorstep? Pay for the pizza. HORNS IN GENERAL Why is the horn the most divine insturment? Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out. How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb? Four. One to do it and three to stand around and brag about how much better they could have done it. Why did the trumpet player play a loud, blaring jazz solo during a slow, soft symphonic movement? Because the part was marked tacit, and he thought it said "Take it!" Three famous trumpet players are up in a airplane. One of them says, "I'll throw out a 100 dollar bill and make someone very happy." The one next to him says, "I'll throw out two 50 dollar bills, and make two people very happy." The other one said, "I'll throw five 20's out the door, and make five people happy." The pilot, who was their conductor, said, "Why don't you all three jump, and make the whole band very happy?" What do 4 trombones sound like at the bottom of the sea? A good idea! How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid? He can't swing and he complains about the slide. An out-of-work conductor got a job as a hitman. He got an assignment for a kill and was driving down the road when he saw his target on one side of the road and a tuba player on the other side of the road. Who did he kill first and why? The target, business before pleasure. PIANO What do you get when you drop a piano on an Army base? A flat Major. What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A flat Minor. VOICE Why is the soprano standing outside the door? She forgot the key. How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change it and one to watch and say, "Don't you think that's a bit high for you, dear?" What is the difference between a dressmaker and a soprano? The dressmaker tucks up the frills. How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because they cannot reach it. How do you know that it's the lead singer knocking at your front door? You open the door and he still doesn't know when to come in. What does a girls band vocalist's mother say to her before she goes out? If you are not in bed by 12pm you have to come home. CONDUCTORS How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but, then again, who's really watching? Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet in the earth? Because DEEP DOWN he was a nice guy. What's the difference between a dead conductor in the road and a dead snake in the road? There are skid marks in front of the snake. What's the difference between a band director and a bag of fertilizer? The bag. A blind rabbit and a blind snake bump into each other in the forest. The rabbit said, "Watch where you are going. Can't you see that I am blind?" The snake replied. "No. I can't see that you are blind because I am blind myself." Then the rabbit got a brilliant idea. "Why don't we feel each other and guess what the other is?" The snake accepted this proposal and went first. The snake said, "Let's see -- your furry with long ears and a cotton tail - you must be a rabbit." "Very good," said the rabbit. "Now it's my turn. You are cold, slimy, spineless and have no ears. You must be a conductor." In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as "strings". Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as "percussionists". Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn't even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody. And that was the birth of the first conductor. A man and a boy were taking a walk through the cemetery. The boy said, "Look, Daddy, here's a grave where two people are buried!" The father said, "Two people? Let me look." So the father took a look, and sure enough, the marker said, "Here lies a symphony conductor and a humble man." ******************************************************************************************************** Thanks for those Kevin.

THIS FUNNY HAS 'WINGED' IT'S WAY STRAIGHT FROM EDINBURGH VIA FALCON OF THE ERRATIX ... NICE ONE BIRD MAN !

MEMORANDUM From: Bin Laden, Osama To: All AlQuieda Fighters Subject: The Cave Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I'in team" (i think this bit of the joke is local to Glaswegans) as well as the Garfield that says "Hang In There, Baby." Very humorous. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns - 1st of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the carpet dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily, I've done my bit on the cleaning rota...........have you? I've posted a sign up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster). 2nd, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare most of the world population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing just while we're taping. Thanks. 3rd: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying. 4th: I'm not against team chanting and all that, but, we must distance ourselves from the Westerner's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy Oi Oi Oi" everytime I ride past on the donkey. Thanks 5th: We've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar, and Dave. Love you lots, Group Hug. Os. PS - I'm sick of having Osama's Bed Linen scribbled on my bed sheets. Cut it out Abdul, not funny anymore. Regards, Dave?
	SOME 'DUMB BLONDE' JOKES ..... UMMMMM .... How do you change a blonde's mind? Blow in her ear. How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant. How does a blonde kill a fish? She drowns it. How do you amuse a blonde for hours? Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday. What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? Trying to hold on to a thought. Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'. How do you plant dope? Bury a blonde. Why did god give blondes 2% more brains than horses? Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades. How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? Wave to her. How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle? Shine a torch in her ears. Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia... Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on her. How do you drown a blond? Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS? A know-it-all bitch. Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses? She was having sunny periods. How do you confuse a blonde? You don't. They're born that way. Why do blondes hate M&Ms? They're too hard to peel. How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor. Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? To keep her ankles warm. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose? Full. What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?" "No, I just lie there." What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? "Space. The final frontier......" Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ? She didn't know what ONE came first... Why don't blondes talk when having sex? Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers. How is a blonde like a postage stamp? You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way. How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree. How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow fell on her. How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? There is a stamp on it. What is the difference between a blond and a toilet? A toilet won't follow you around after you use it. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month? Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds." Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture. Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? From eating with forks. Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes go in first. Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts? Tits go in front. Why don't blondes eat bananas? They can't find the zipper. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a Ã‚Â£10 note. Who picks it up? The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde. What is the difference between butter and a blonde? Butter is difficult to spread. What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? They know how many men went down on "The Titanic". What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Bigfoot has been spotted. What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A mental block. What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A dope ring. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A Space Invader. What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? Branch Manager. What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass? A brain tumor. What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down? Two brunettes. _____________________________________ Blinkin' cheek !!!!! Thanks for those Kevin ! ... going to have to get my own back, aren't I ???

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